Friday, August 29, 2014

Jaz's Birth Story- Part 1

I was already soaking in the tub, completely exhausted from a sleepless night, when my alarm went off at 6 a.m.  Our induction appointment was set for that day, Tuesday, July 22 at 7 a.m. The day was finally here. Our baby boy was about to make his debut in to this world, and I was beyond ready. I hadn't slept, not because of the anxiety and excitement, (although I was indeed anxious with excitement) but I was so sore all night long. Dustin and I had "nested" the day before, and my body was aching because of it. This entire pregnancy I had terrible pain in my right hip. Making it nearly impossible to walk at times. Trying to walk after I had been sitting was a joke. Literally. It gained lots of attention and laughs. I looked like a full on cripple.

 Dustin was also lacking in sleep. Again, although we were both extremely excited, this wasn't the reason for his sleepless night either. He had been so sick. Still going about his day like normal the day before, he had started feeling really crappy. I hoped it was just "the jitters" but Tuesday morning he was still feeling the same yuckiness from the day before.

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, pulling up my hair, when Dustin's phone rang. He walked around the corner from our bedroom, and stood in the bathroom doorway. All I remember was hearing..."Hi Camille."...."Oh no, really?"..."I'm sorry Camille."..."Do you want to talk to Tash?"..."Ok, I'll tell her. Take your time and do what you need to do. We'll see you later." He hung up, and broke the most devastating news. Grandma Bernitta had passed away at 5:30 a.m. Just before I woke up. I was heartbroken. As I tried to apply my make-up on to my 'wet with tears' face, mascara on to my saturated eyelashes, I continually cried. Trying, in between tears, to take deep breaths so I could at least get my face ready for this BIG day ahead of me. I didn't know what to think. I hated that she was gone because this was the first person, related to me that I have been close to, who had passed away. I was too young when my grandpa's died for it to impact me as much as this had. I wasn't sure how to feel either. Should I be excited? Afterall, this IS the day I get to meet my sweet baby. Or sad? I literally am shattered that my Grandma is gone. I'm devastated for mom as well. I can't imagine losing a parent. I never figured out how I "should" be feeling. I just decided to take the day in strides. I was going to enjoy the day, and the fact that my Grandma was playing with my baby boy, telling him many stories, and giving him advice followed by lots of hugs and kisses. All the while, we were mourning her loss, and extactic for his arrival.

Grandma had been in the hospital for a few weeks prior. She had fallen twice; breaking her wrist once, then hurting her back. The pain had been unbearable. They admitted her due to having to take pain meds for her sore back, which was causing her oxygen levels to drop, so she wasn't stable enough to be home. She had finally been released, which was a relief to all of us. Grandma hated being away from home. She had a routine, and she was comfortable there. We knew that if she didn't have long left, she would want to be home.. We could all just tell her frail little body was weak, so tired from the years of hard work she had lived. She was struggling and was unable to do as much for herself as she had always done. Grandpa died when my mom was 13 years old, and Grandma had been alone ever since. Meaning, she truly was the hardest working person I had ever met. Taking on the tasks of both the man and the women of the house. You could see it in her worn hands. Always rough, and weathered. They had experienced so much. Grandma had always been so outgoing, constently having something to do or somewhere to go.( A lot like my mom, who we have always joked (but we really aren't joking) has ADD.) Busy busy busy. Grandma had definitely not been living life as she had known it, and you could tell it drove her crazy. Although it was devastating to let her go, her mortal life was well-lived, and she is now free from her illness, her worn physical body, and free from suffering. With no doubt, she was welcomed with a long awaited kiss from her sweetheart, and her dear parents. All of whom she had missed dearly.

Dustin's mom, out of concern for my poor mom, had asked if I thought it would be a good idea to cancel the induction appointment and reschedule it for another day. I thought about it. I wanted my mom to have time to grieve, and to be able to spend time with her siblings during such a hard time without the obligation of having to be with me during the happiest of moments in my life. I feared she would be torn to be there for me, and not have the energy or be too emotionally drained to enjoy my special day, all the while experiencing the most dreaded day ever. I texted her, unsure of what she was doing or going through because at this point I still hadn't talked to her since Dustin broke the news. I asked if she would prefer if we rescheduled the induction so she could have this day to grieve and be with family. Without hesitation, she texted back within seconds, saying that she wanted us to still go in, and that it would help make the day a little better! After we arrived and checked in, I had mentioned all of this to my nurse who made a valid point. She said it was probably a good idea we didn't cancel and end up going into labor naturally during the funeral or something. I'm glad we made the decision to go through with it.

Once the labor process started, and we were all in the labor and delivery room waiting to meet our sweet baby boy, it really hit me just how special it was that my grandma was spending these last hours of my pregnancy with my baby boy. It's a lot for my mortal brain to process, but I know they were together. Making it all the more special that the day we lost my dear grandma, was the day we welcomed our son.

*these pics were literally days before Grandma passed. Jaiya had been going almost dailly with my mom to visit her. Grandma loved her hair combed so Jaiya took her turn...and the bottom picture is of Jaiya singing to Grandma. Somtimes even putting her to sleep;) I'm forever grateful for these pictures.


Camille said...

Well this post is what it took for the "flood gates" to open up! With our lil angel boy, going back to work, and everything else that has gone on I don't think I allowed myself to grieve. Til now..... As I read this I cried like I never have before! I needed it! I need to allow myself to think about my sweet Mom. I kept pushing it back in my mind telling myself I didn't have time to fall apart! So THANK YOU! What a beautiful post about our Mom, Grandma, and Matriarch of our family! I will forever be grateful for these pictures as well! Jaiya and I spend some fun and memorable days there! Mom loved Jaiyas hugs and kisses!!!!! I love you Tash! Grandma and I are BOTH very proud of you!!!!!!!!

Camille said...