An {optimistic} person is what I once would have used to describe myself. But as of late, not so much. I feel like I am always down on myself, and pretty much ASKING for the worst with this horrible attitude. I've been trying to stop the negative thoughts, but it's like it has totally taken me over. I would say this mostly applies to school, and all that goes with it. If I take a test, I say I probably failed. If I apply for a program, I say I probably can't do it. If I have homework, I say I can't get it all done. Seriously. I'm nuts. Most likely this is insecurity. School has never came easy to me, and I would say it's the 1 place I lack total confidence in myself.Especially now that I have applied and been accepted in to the Ultrasound program through Weber. I am excited, but the 23% pass rate freaks me out just a little. Thank goodness for Dustin. As cliche as it is, he's my rock. He not only tells me I can do things, but he has reasons to back it up. Like, instances in the past where I may have done great on a test, and he brings it up to give me confidence on the current one. Truly, I probably would have assumed I wasn't good/smart enough for this field and given up if it weren't for him. Him, and Jaiya. I WANT to prove myself to me, to Dustin, but mostly to Jaiya. I know she doesn't understand now, but I want her to place school high on her priorities and reach for her dreams.
I have read books, watched shows, looked at the Internet, and so on for things that would help with my anxiety/stress/negativity. So, I now UNDERSTAND my weirdo mind, but need to get a grip on it. Yesterday, on Dr.Phil, (ha ha, laugh it up) Dr. Phil told a girl who was accusing a website of ruining her life, that her catastrophic words to herself was what was ruining her life, not the actual circumstance. He was basically saying that when you say catastrophic things about something, you will react catastrophically about it, and therefore, the instance does become a catastrophe. Wow, that hit like a ton of bricks. That's totally what I am doing. With boards coming up on a couple months, and being worried about finding a job, I have said some pretty catastrophic things to myself. Therefore, when something does happen, I go off the deep end. Blah blah blah, I know.
Does anyone else feel overwhelmed and in over their head sometimes? Or am I the only one? I guess going out of your comfort zone is scary, but...my new goal is to say positive things to myself instead of the worst things that I can possibly think of. If I look at the whole picture, I have done very well in the Radiology program. I have made the Honor's list (Dean's list), done great in my classes, learned a lot, LOVE my clinical site and everyone I work with, So...Matasha, chill out...life is not that hard...be positive, and take a minute to stop and smell the roses...
Congrats to my long time friend. I love you so much, and I am so excited for the years to come with our baby girls!
After dinner at South China, we went to see MI4. It was really good. I love action movies!!!
